It Ain’t Easy

I’m finally in a relationship (almost 6 months now), and while there are many benefits, there are also many challenges.

1 – Being on the same page. In some ways, he is like I was maybe 5 years ago. I am settled, in my career, living on my own. He is just starting out in his field, still needs to get licensed, still living at home, doesn’t have much money. This is very challenging. I know he wants to be more settled, but he’s not. And it’s hard to wait. I sometimes fear that he won’t get there! (I hate to say that because I don’t think it’s good to have doubts).

2 – LONG DISTANCE. I want someone I can see every day. That is not my reality right now. and it sucks.

3 – He lives with his mom. I like her, I really do. But when I visit him, especially since it’s long distance, I would like to do all the canoodling and sex-ing I want, without reservation! It’s tough when he mom is always around…

The good things are that he sends me a video almost every morning. We skype a few times a week. We send each other cards. We have a really good time when we do see each other. He is planning to move to my city, so I don’t really have to take any risks, as I have in the past. I know he loves me and pretty much thinks we will be together forever, that this tough time is just temporary. He is caring and sweet and thoughtful, does random romantic things to make me smile.

I know there’s no such thing as perfect. I’m just sick of waiting!

 

Apologies

We all hurt people unintentionally. Sometimes we say things out of anger or frustration that we don’t mean. Sometimes they had a need that we didn’t know about. Sometimes we’re just not being sensitive. We also hurt people intentionally – to get back at them or “right” some “wrong”

So when we realize that we’ve hurt someone else, how do we apologize? 

I like to start with, “I’m sorry.” If that’s not enough, I might right a letter. I might make a small gesture to show that I care – baked goods.

Sometimes, it just takes time for someone to forgive, and there’s nothing that can be “done” to make up for the hurt.

Your thoughts?

“Anybody can be nice for a short period of time”

A little nugget of wisdom from my best guy friend.

I had a few nights of bliss with the guy I had The Best First Date Ever with. I totally let me emotions control me. I canceled babysitting to hang out with him and then I called in sick to work yesterday to help him pack and say goodbye. I skipped out on responsibilities to spend time with a guy who makes me feel good but someone who is LEAVING.

I feel so dumb for letting my emotions control me. I mean, yeah, it was fun. But now what? Nothing to show for it. No relationship, no security. And now I have a million things to do because I was irresponsible. I was irresponsible with my commitments and my emotions.

The guy told me he wanted to continue talking when he moved to Arkansas, and maybe even fly me down. And then the night before he left, his tune changed a bit “I’m not much of a phone guy.” I pointed out that he had called me and talked to me for 30 min after our first date. 

“Anybody can be nice for a short period of time.” I cannot give so much trust and power to someone I have only known a week. I want to believe him but I know that it takes time to see if someone’s words and actions match. And so, it’s time to let go. He’s gone. If he does call, great, we will have a friendly conversation. 

I’ll get over it by the time I meet the next one…and there’s ALWAYS a next one 🙂

Best First Date of My Life

Last night was the best first date of my life. Hands down. We nailed it. 

We went to a cigar bar that had lots of beers on tap and live music. We got drinks, chatted with some of his friends, and then…we started dancing.

He is an amazing dancer, a great leader. We danced so well together, we fit together well. People in the bar were clapping for us and asked us to keep dancing. They asked how long we had been dating and we told them it was our first date. Then they asked how long we had been dancing together and we told them it was our first time dancing together! We were the cutest couple in the bar. Everyone wanted to be us 🙂

Between dancing, drinking, and making out, we also talked and got to know each other. At one point in the night he said that this date with me was making him rethink his future.

Lots of making out ensued. Also a phenomenal kisser. He bought all my drinks, shared cigarettes with me. He made me feel like I was taken care of and he made me laugh. He helped me put my coat on when we left around 2:30am and walked me to my car.

The sad part is that this is THE WORST TIMING EVER (C) !!! In 4 days he is moving 1000 miles away for 6 months!!! He called me at 3:00am when he got home and we talked for about 30 min. He mentioned something about “doing more of this” (meaning talking on the phone) while he is away. I said I’d like that. We are hopefully going to see each other one more time before he leaves.

If it’s meant to be it will be. If not, this will just go down in the records at the Best First Date of My Life 🙂

Relationship Ready

I hate it when I have to say goodbye to someone I like! You know, when you like someone, but you just know something is missing and you’re not on the same page? I really liked this guy. He was sweet, ambitious, very handsome, close with his family….but he just isn’t “relationship ready.” He said he liked me and he wanted to see me, but his communication was inconsistent and his actions didn’t seem to match his words (There was more than one time that he said via text “I’ll call you tonight” and then didn’t.) Find out more on this type of guy, Mr. Quality Casual.

I recently saw a post on baggage reclaim and one thing I took from it is “If it’s not mutual, it’s not healthy.” If I’m healthy and ready for a relationship and the guy I’m into clearly doesn’t want one and is telling me he doesn’t have time for one, then why would I keep pursuing that? How is that healthy? It’s not. And it was getting frustrating. I was trying to be “patient,” but all that was happening is that I was giving 85% and he was giving 15% and I was trying to be “hopeful” about the crumbs he was throwing at me. Pathetic!

Let’s talk about the guy I’m going out with tonight. Now here is a good example of someone who is “relationship ready.” I met him at a bar, and he pursued me, asked me for my number, actually picked up the phone and CALLED me the next day. This was about 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. Since then, he has without a doubt texted me every day just to check in. We have gone out once and are going out again tonight. I have not had to convince him to text me and ask me how I’m doing. He is clearly interested and ready for something serious. In fact, on the first date, he brought up the topic of marriage (not between us of course, just the topic of where was both stand with that). Now, that might scare some people off, but I appreciate a direct approach like that. Let’s figure out where we both are in life and see if we are looking for the same kind of thing.

I’m still getting to know him and I’m not sure if I have feelings for him beyond friendship, but at least I know what someone who is “ready” will act like, and their actions and words will match and they will actually be available and not “busy” all the time!

What a Woman Wants

“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you’ll find you get what you need.”

I have done extensive research on the differences between men and women and how they experience dating, relationships and sex. It is fascinating and confusing as hell. Experts have varying information and “rules.” For example, In Mars and Venus on a Date, Mr. Gray explains to us that women should NOT reach over and unlock the door for the men because it’s uncomfortable and too giving. Women should work on receiving and not give too much, because men want to give and make the woman happy.

I tried this once on a date – the whole NOT reaching over and unlocking the driver’s door for him after he unlocked and opened the passenger door for me. It felt totally inauthentic for me and the guy immediately called me out, noting that I failed “the door test” from A Bronx Tale (1993). I explained to him what I had read and why I chose not to and we both laughed about the fact that it had such importance for both of us.

Men and women both get mixed message about how to attract potential partners. Play hard to get, don’t act too interested, wait 3 days to call, don’t respond to him right away. And yet we are also told to compliment him/her, feign interest in something even if you’re not interested at all. It’s all a big game.  I’ve driven myself crazy trying to follow all the “rules” hoping they will get me to my ultimate goal (a fulfilling relationship). I’ve read articles and books from dating and relationship experts such as John Gray and his daughter Lauren, Alison Armstrong, Matthew Hussey, Matt Boggs, Christian Carter, Rori Raye, Arielle Ford. Over the past 6 years, I’ve listened to podcasts, watched videos, talked with friends both married and single, men and women.

Do you want to know what I ended up taking away from all of this?

 

Be yourself. Be authentic. Know what you want. Communicate to potential partners what you’re looking for. Don’t assume that others are looking for the same thing. DO assume that they are doing what’s right for them right then. Don’t take things personally. Seek to understand.

The best dating advice I’ve seen out there is from LA-based dating coach Marni Battista. Her philosophy of Dating with Dignity empowers readers to understand what they are looking for, how to identify if they themselves are “relationship ready,” what blocking beliefs they might have, and how to identify men who are “relationship ready.”

The best advice I’ve seen on self-esteem, boundaries, and getting out the cycle of dating unavailable men who will ultimately never be able to give you the kind of relationship you want is Natalie Lue’s blog Baggage Reclaim

Silver Lining: All of the wisdom these experts have shared have very much empowered me to make different choices and find what works best for me. At this point, I think I need to toss out the “rules” and the “games,” just be me and communicate what I’m looking for. End “relationships” that aren’t fulfilling. Eventually the right guy at the right time will have mutual attraction, values, and goals.

Your thoughts?

They Always Come Back

It’s funny that the two serious ex-bfs I have refuse to talk to me and yet every guy I’ve dated casually won’t seem to get out of my life.

1. There’s the guy who’s now MARRIED and still contacts me every once in a while. I think it’s his guilty conscience. The way he broke things off was cowardly and he knows it. I think he just wants to know that I’m “ok” and not mad at him so he can sleep at night. jerk.
2. There’s the guy who was “still in love with his ex” when he broke things off with me and 6 weeks later insisted that he’s ready now (this is still up for debate, although I am willing to give him a chance to prove he’s “ready”).
3. There’s the guy who, even though he is seeing someone else now, will occasionally message me on Facebook or drunk dial/text on holidays (Halloween and NYE to be exact). I have since told him that I’m not interested in being “friends” and told him that he’s welcome to ask me out on a date in the future if he’s single but I’m not interested in meeting up when we’re both out drinking.
4. There’s the guy who told me he’s not ready for a relationship (and clearly he’s not because he only drunk texts me or texts me about a book he’s reading to get his career life in order).

The only men who DON’T contact me again are the ones that I only went on 1-2 dates with, serious ex-boyfriends, and the one 1-night-stand I’ve had.

What is this about? An ego boost? Attention? Hoping to get laid? Easing their guilt for hurting me? Who knows. I just think it’s funny.

Silver Lining On some level they know they are missing out on a good thing 🙂 

Your Love is my Drug

Me: “I want boy attention. I think I’m an addict”

My friend: “You’re not an addict. That shit is designed to make you feel good. Otherwise the human race would fail to exist.”

 

Breakup lines

“I’m not sure what I want. I might be moving to Florida” (he didn’t)

“I’m still in love with my ex” (might have been true, more than likely what he meant is: you’re nothing like her)

“I’m just really focused on my career right now” (so you don’t have an hour for dinner or 10 minutes for a phone call? really?)

“You’re a great girl, I’m gonna regret this one day.” (I hope you do)

Why don’t people just be honest? I’d actually like it if someone said, “I just don’t like you enough to be in a relationship with you.”

2013: The Year I Lived Life with Integrity

It took me a little while to discover wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers. Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves. A friend once said, and I found to be true, that every day people, they lie to God too. So what makes you think that they won’t lie to you? — Lauryn Hill, Forgive Them Father

Here are some things I have learned  about myself, people, and relationships:

1. People Lie! People lie to themselves, they lie to others. 

People say what they think you want to hear to avoid conflict or to get what they want. We are all guilty of it.

2. Not all people who are dating want a relationship. Not all dating experiences will progress to relationships.

I assumed that when a man has consistently taken me on 4-5 dates that we are progressing towards relationship. Surprise! Not true! Some people want attention, want their ego stroked, are trying to get over an ex. I am guilty of this! I dated men when I was still mending a broken heart. I wanted to be in relationship but I wasn’t able to. And sometimes they are “just not that into you.”

3. Breakups are hard.

I broke up with someone I was still in love with for the first time in my life on January 2, 2012. Knowing it wasn’t right and I was miserable, I broke up with him even though I still had an intense attraction to him. And I questioned/doubted my decision for about the next 6 months. I still do at times. And I tried to get him back. Even after exiting the relationship, I continued to pour an immense amount of emotional energy into him, or at least the fantasy of him. It’s been a year and today I saw on Facebook through a mutual friend’s picture that he is now in a relationship. It was a sharp pain initially to look at. I reviewed my journal entries from the weeks following the breakup and reminded myself that I wasn’t happy with him. It’s hard to see him moved on, and I’m truly happy for him. I just wish I could move on too!

4. My behavior shows what kind of person I actually am versus who I say I am or would like to be. (and same with other people)

A few months back I was reconnecting with a male friend from high school. We both expressed interest in each other, he texted me almost daily, we were getting to know each other (although he lives 3 hours away). I told him I was looking for a serious relationship. We had never been on actual date and had never discussed “exclusivity” So, one night when I was drunk and didn’t really hear from him, I slept with someone else. When he found out he was pissed and no longer followed through on plans to meet up with me. I was saying I wanted a serious relationship (with the right person) and then I was doing someone who charmed me because I wanted a quick fix. Maybe we would have had the “exclusivity” talk if I had actually shown that I could be consistent with my words and actions.

5. My behavior dictates what kind of people I allow in my life.

The guy who I referred to in my post about honesty actually called me last night. After not hearing from him in 6 weeks, he wanted to spend NYE with me. Are you kidding me?! I used to allow this kind of behavior because I thought “Omg, he must like me again!” I’ve learned though, if I a guy likes you and wants a serious relationship/partnership, he would be respectful of your time (ie. plan ahead) and he wouldn’t be in and out of your life – there would be consistent communication between the times you see each other. I started out 2013 by declining his offer 🙂

Silver Lining: I deserve way better and I’m no longer going to compromise my values/integrity just to get some attention for one night. It’s all about consistency of words and actions over time for both myself and the guys I’m dating!